“Dad and Mom, we need you to pray that God would expose land mines––and soon! We think there may be a lot of them.”
My husband and I had just stepped into a new ministry assignment and knew we needed to rally the troops we trusted. Why? We could not escape the weighty sense that we were stepping onto a minefield. Minefields are fraught with explosive danger lurking under the surface. The land before us possessed explosive spiritual devices which could bring catastrophe and destruction indiscriminately. All it would take was the slightest pressure by anyone in its proximity. You see, land mines aren’t choosy; they take out soldiers and civilians alike.
What can land mines look like to those in pastoral ministry? Many things: patterns of selfishness, offense, and bitterness in the congregation; habitual deception, both of self and others; immorality; lack of self control and tendency toward rage; rebellious attitudes that refuse to accept God-ordained leadership; idolatry of traditions, comfort, and social clubs; jealousy; church leaders who draw lines around their faith, refusing to exercise it for crucial aspects of ministerial responsibility; financial corruption; individuals and families using manipulation, control, and domination to hide sin; and refusal to embrace the Word of God.
Yikes!
But here’s the good news: God protects His servants! Psalm 91 promises safety for those who trust in the Lord. He can keep pastors, their wives, and their families safe from the fowler’s snare and disaster from coming near their tent, providing shield and rampart in the midst of trouble.
Are you walking through a minefield? You walk under the cover of the feathers of the Most High, God Almighty! He will empower you to identify and disarm the danger, or He’ll lead you through to safety.
To watch an interview with Kimberlee sharing more on this subject, click here.
We are honored to have Anneliese Dalaba as our guest blogger.
I married the man of my dreams. He swept into my life and filled my hopelessly romantic heart with so much joy and laughter. It felt as though we had been designed for each other.
Over the course of time, we were blessed with two children and, more recently, with three little grandchildren. We faced the highs and lows of ministry side-by-side and traveled to many parts of the world.
While in the process of deciding on a date for my husband’s retirement, we were slapped in the face with a cancer diagnosis. Not just any cancer, but an extremely rare, stage-4, metastatic bone cancer called chondrosarcoma. His oncologist told us, chemo might give my husband one to three more years to live. That was the best the medical community could offer. As it turned out, not even the big guns of chemo were able to touch this cancer. Four months after his first symptom, my husband passed away.
It didn’t matter that I wasn’t ready. It didn’t matter that we had dreams and plans for our future. He was gone. Ripped away.
I did the only thing I knew to do; I clung to my faith. How often had I read, “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble,” (Psalm 46:1 NIV)? God had been my refuge in the past. Surely, He would help me again, but I couldn’t imagine how.
It’s been almost three years since I lost my husband. How thankful I am for God’s faithfulness to me.“The LORD is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth.” (Psalm 145:18 NASB) I clung to this promise, and so can you.
Grief comes in many forms, not always the loss of a loved one. People grieve many disappointments in life. We live in a fallen and sinful world, and we aren’t immune to how this will affect us. No matter what we face, this promise is a reassurance to us of God’s faithful care. If we’ve placed our trust in Jesus, we will never face life alone.
More from Anneliese.
To watch Anneliese’s story on YouTube, click here. Not only does Anneliese share her story, but she shares how we can prepare for the unexpected in our own lives.
To order Anneliese’s book “Facing Tomorrow Without You,” click here.
Have you ever been bullied? There’s a good chance your answer is “Yes”. Bullies come in all shapes, sizes, and cultures. Even pastors, pastors’ wives, and Christian leaders can be guilty of bullying. Do they do it on purpose? Some, I believe, do. Others may be blind to their bullying.
It’s been said our greatest strengths can be our greatest weaknesses. I believe this can be true with motivational leaders too. They are great at motivating, but taken to the extreme, it can become bullying. In other words, when one uses intimidation to get something accomplished, that’s when it becomes bullying. This is not Christ-like.
As pastors’ wives, we need to guard against bullying people. If the Holy Spirit is convicting you of this, ask God to forgive you. Make sure you ask those you’ve bullied to forgive you too!
Many times, we pastors’ wives feel we’re being bullied. So how do we respond in a godly way when someone is bullying us?
First, make sure you have healthy boundaries in place. Jelly Valimont, a guest blogger, wrote about this in a blog called “Boundaries”. Feel free to check it out.
Second, make sure you’re spiritually prepared every day. If I don’t spend time with Jesus through prayer and the Word, it’s so much harder for me to deal with an ugly situation in a Christlike manner. But when I do, I can more easily hear the voice of the Holy Spirit guiding me.
It’s not fun to deal with a bully, but with God’s wisdom and grace, we can do it. We can lovingly and boldly deal with the situation. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you when you’re facing a bully.
There is something new and exciting happening this year for pastors’ wives and former pastors’ wives who have been through a difficult time, or need a pause to rest.
We are having a ministry retreat in South Carolina near Charleston. It will be OCTOBER 12-15, 2023. We would love for you to be part! You will be responsible for your travel expenses and a $25 non-refundable holding fee. You’ll also need a little spending money for a couple of meals out. Everything else is covered. The stay and food at the facility are free.
We will focus on rest, connection and healing.
The retreat will be on a 66-acre retreat center just 30 minutes from the airport and 30 minutes from downtown Charleston. The retreat center property includes a 14-acre freshwater bass lake, a dock on deep water that is just minutes from the inter-coastal waterway and the Atlantic Ocean, two miles of peaceful trails, a gun range, hot tub, and fire pits.
The retreat may include salt and fresh water fishing, disc golf, nature trails, access to an in-house fitness center (with coaching), corn hole, crazy ping pong, great conversations and lots of relaxation. At night, attendees and staff will share a great meal together and even greater discussions. At the end of the four days, participants will walk away with new friendships, resources, and ongoing support for those who would like to be involved in deeper soul care.
Please email me (Jan) at silentlybleedinghfpw@gmail.com ASAP if you are interested in participating. I’ll be happy to answer any questions you may have. Hope to hear from you soon!
(Sponsors and leaders are from Tour of Life, Silently Bleeding and Church Creek Ministry team.)
What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains and go in search of the one that went astray? Matthew 18:12 ESV
Nicole West, a pastor’s wife, didn’t grow up in a Christian environment. In fact, she became a drug addict and dealer. Through a series of circumstances, Nicole went to jail. This was the best thing that could’ve happened to Nicole. It was in this jail, she met Jesus.
Nicole was the only female in jail at the time. If there was only one female prisoner, the chaplain wasn’t required to come. However, she came for the one. It was this precious woman of God that introduced Nicole to Christ.
What if this chaplain decided one wasn’t worth coming for? I am so grateful for her faithfulness. It wasn’t about numbers to her, it was about reaching the one.
Do you struggle with feeling like you aren’t accomplishing much for Christ? I know I have. Perhaps your church is small or maybe it’s large and you feel unseen. When you meet a lady for coffee and listen to her and pray with her, you are reaching the one. When you see that single mom struggling just to make it to church and you treat her to lunch and listen to her story, you’re reaching the one. Only Heaven will reveal the impact you’ve had on others.
Every person is important to Jesus. No matter what their situation is. No matter what they look like or what “side of the tracks” they come from.
Nicole and her husband are powerfully impacting their community for Jesus Christ. It’s because of one lady willing to go for the one. Are you willing to give your time for the one? I promise you my friend, she’s worth it.
I believe this precious lady that reached out to Nicole will receive great recognition in heaven for the lives that have been changed through Nicole’s story.
Hey sweet woman of God! Did you know we have five private Facebook groups? I don’t know which group you relate to most, but we want you to know you’re not alone. We are here for you. Being a pastor’s wife is an amazing privilege, but can be very difficult at times. Whatever season you find yourself in, please know we care about you.
Silently Bleeding: Hope for the Pastor’s Wife is a safe and drama free group for connecting with other pastors’ wives and is a great place to ask questions like “How do you handle when someone talks negative about your husband?” or “Does how I dress for church really matter?” You’re also welcome to post prayer requests and even silly memes. After all, laughter is good like a medicine! Jan McIntyre is the lead admin for this group. She has been a pastor’s wife for almost 40 years. Jan has a passion for Jesus and encouraging pastors’ wives. Meet Jan here.
Silently Bleeding: Hope for the Broken Hearted is a safe group for pastors’ wives or former pastors’ wives that have been or are being abused or abandoned or have adult children going through abuse or abandonment. Julie Davenport is the lead admin in this group. She understands what it means to walk through abuse and infidelity. Julie also knows what it means to find healing and wholeness through Jesus. You can watch Julie’s story here.
Hope for the Retired Pastor’s Wife is led by Susan Pippin. Retirement doesn’t mean you’re finished in ministry, it’s a different season of ministry. You may find yourself ministering to your neighbors or younger pastors’ wives or you and your spouse might fill in at other churches. This is a great group to connect with other retired pastors’ wives and share ideas, exchange stories, pray for each other and laugh together. Meet Susan here.
Hope for the Pastor’s Widow is a group no pastor’s wife ever plans to be a part of. But if it does happen, there is a safe place to find encouragement, ask questions like “How do I this?” or “What should I do about that?” In this group you can connect with ladies that understand what you’re going through. Our lead admin is Jelly Valimont. She unexpectedly lost her husband a few years ago. You can watch Jelly’s story here.
Our newest group is Silently Bleeding: Hope for the Female Missionary. If you are a female missionary, this is the group for you. You’ll be able to connect with other like minded women called by God for such a time as this.
If you want to join one of our groups, search for us in Groups on Facebook. Please answer our questions and agree to our guidelines and we will look forward to meeting you soon!
Like many others, I’ve asked God to give me a new word to focus on for 2023. This year, He put the word joy in my heart. I was telling a friend and she said, “Oh that’s great!” I immediately said, “Yes it is, but it’s not what you think.”
As I began to seek God about joy, I felt Him saying it’s an acronym for joy that He wants me to focus on: Jesus, Others, Yourself. I believe this is the key to living a joy-filled life.
When I spend time focusing on the shoulda, woulda, coulda’s, the woe is me thoughts, and every other negative thought I can come up with, I am going to be miserable. If I am striving to make myself happy by focusing on what I want instead of focusing on others, I won’t be happy. But when I focus on Jesus and others, that’s when I find true joy and satisfaction.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t take care of yourself. Self-care is very important. You need to take time with Jesus. You need to take time to relax. You need to take time to enjoy your family. (By the way, your family is your greatest ministry.) You need to take care of your health with proper exercise and healthy eating. If you do these things to the best of your ability, you’ll have what it takes to lavish love on others.
Do you have a word for this year? If so, I’d love to hear about it. Feel free to leave a comment.
We are honored to have Jelly Valimont, author and speaker, and leader of our private Facebook group: Silently Bleeding: Hope for the Pastor’s Widow, share this guest post with us today.
Being in ministry is difficult, challenging, and at times frustrating. It is even more so when people are involved! Seriously. Someone once told me that people will take everything you allow them to take and will then ask for more. That is why it is important for us to establish personal and ministry boundaries in our lives. When I was a young pastor’s wife, no one ever told me that I needed boundaries, so I established walls. Once I figured out that there was a difference, I was able to establish healthy boundaries that carried me through some very difficult times.
There is a difference between boundaries and walls. First of all, a boundary marks the limit of an area, a dividing line, lets others know how we feel, what we expect, and does it all with respect. Secondly, a wall doesn’t just point out a limit but it also protects and offers privacy. We need both in our lives: boundaries and walls. It’s when people do not respect the boundary then a wall becomes necessary!
Do you remember the old television show called “Home Improvement?” In the show, there was a neighbor, Wilson W. Wilson, who stood on one side of a fence, never showing anything other than his eyes. His voice was muffled and his face was obscured. Too often we face our church people over the top of a fence, never allowing them to see the ‘real’ us because we have put up walls or fences rather than boundaries. To be healthy and to keep this from happening, we should establish clear and concise boundaries early in our relationships, so walls do not become necessary!
How do we do this? 1. Determine what God has called you to do. Sometimes, due to the size of the church or the lack of volunteers, it is necessary to do everything. Or is it? Maybe we need to take a step back and determine if it is really you that God has called to teach the Sunday School class, lead the worship, teach children’s church, and be the church secretary too. Maybe God has called you to one thing rather than everything. I cannot determine what God’s call is on anyone’s life other than my own, but I do know that God said in Matthew 11:30, “My yoke is easy and my burden is light.” If it is too difficult to pull the proverbial load, maybe it is not God’s load you are pulling, but man’s. Once you have determined what God’s call is for you, believe in yourself and in your call. God does not call you to fail but He calls you to excellence. Do all you can to excel in your call: study, pray, deepen your walk with the Lord, and share what He is doing in your life. 2. There will be people who want to tell you what God wants you to do, simply because of your position or because they don’t want to do it. Be prepared to say, “No.” If that is not accepted, be prepared to say, “NO!” or “NO, NO, NO.” That’s a definite boundary. 3. Once you have said, “no,” don’t be motivated by guilt to change your decision. Don’t give in continuously or you will have established a boundary that can easily be crossed over. One of the things I found after 40 years in ministry is that people often expected me to do something that God has already spoken to them about doing. If I capitulated, it took them off the hook with God. One of the reasons why it is important to know what God has called you to do is so you can release others to do what He has called them to do! 4. If you or your husband are staff members, one of the most important things you can do for your ministry is to be supportive. You may not have a leading role, but the supportive role is just as important. This is especially true for young wives, moms. Remember that everything rises and fall with leadership. We need to also remember that everything we do sends a message. What message are you sending as a young mom? A young wife? If you do not go to church because you are tired, you are also giving other young moms and wives an excuse to stay home. If you do not attend church because your kids need to get in bed early, you are giving others the credence to do the same. While it is necessary that we do what God has called us to do personally, it is also necessary that we show support to our husband and our ministry. Romans 8:11 says, “But if the Spirit of him that raised up Jesus from the dead dwell in you, he that raised up Christ from the dead shall also quicken your mortal bodies by his Spirit that dwells in you.” That simply means that if you are weary, if your kids are weary, God can give you strength! Sometimes, we need the strength of God to put one foot in front of the other. Sometimes, we simply need to push through and sacrifice for the cause of the kingdom! Ouch.
By necessity, I established boundaries in the last church that my husband and I pastored. It was only when I drew a line in the sand and someone crossed it or kicked the sand around, that I built a wall. Remember, a boundary can be moved or adjusted. I did move and adjust some boundaries as it became necessary. However, necessary walls were built and often impenetrable, especially with some people. Allow me to give you some examples of boundaries. This is not a complete list and should not be considered as necessary for every woman. These are what were important to me at the time.
1. NO ONE told me how to raise my children or were free to discipline them. That meant church leadership, church people or family members. That was a definite boundary. If anyone tried to cross over or remove that boundary, they found a woman dressed for war and not very spiritual. My children needed to know that they were protected and were not fair game for anyone who thought they might be misbehaving. In addition, the behavior of my kids was not up for speculation because they were the pastor’s kids. 2. NO WOMAN met with my husband alone, no matter how much counseling she needed. If she needed to tell him about her horrid sex life or unfaithful husband, she did it either in front of me or his secretary. Let me tell you, that cut down on a lot of unnecessary, trashy information being shared with him. 3. No matter what was going on in the office, if I called, my call was given priority and absolutely no one could tell me that my husband was unavailable. 4. NO ONE talked negatively to me about my husband or the sermons he preached unless they wanted to also share it with him. 5. NO ONE was allowed to share negative information or offenses with me about our church staff unless they were also willing to confront the issues with that person. Whenever anyone told me something (gossip), I quickly explained to them that they had 24 hours to address the issue with the staff person or I would. This cut down on a lot of conversations that could destroy the unity in the body of Christ. 6. My husband and I shared our passwords and pass codes with one another. At any time, Randy could ask to see my cell phone or computer and look at my text messages, my calls, my emails, or my internet searches. I could do the same with his cell phone and computer. There were times we would randomly ask for one another’s electronics and search through them. It was not that we didn’t trust one another but we wanted each other to know what was going on in the other’s life and that there were no secrets kept from one another. This boundary was established early in our journey through the electronic world. No secrets, no opportunity for failure. 7. Protecting our marriage and our home was very important to us, so we did not allow movie channels in our home. Too often, movie subscriptions include pornography, and we did not want the possibility of us or our children inadvertently stumbling across it. 8. If there was ever a person of the opposite sex that made us feel uncomfortable or unduly flattered, we shared it with one another. We also made sure the other person knew that we were unavailable for any type of indiscretion. There was one time that a woman in our church told Randy that she was attracted to him. When he responded by telling her would never be attracted to her, she was very offended. In all honesty, she was fishing but in the wrong pond. Randy immediately called me to his office, and I made sure she knew her fishing pole was broken. I then built a wall.
I could list many more boundaries, but I think you can get the gist of what I am saying: Boundaries are necessary for the health of you, your children, your marriage and your church family. When people know where they stand, there is less opportunity for confusion or unrealistic expectations being placed on you. Place a boundary so a wall is not necessary!
More from Jelly:
Feel free to check out her interview about Expectations of a Pastor’s Wife here.
You can check out her latest book, Tapestry, on Amazon here.
Jelly’s website: ValimontMinistries.org
Amazon affiliate links have the potential to earn me a small commission. Thank you for your support.
What is it about a new year that suggests the idea of change? There’s something in most of us that stirs a desire to do the thing…lose weight, start an exercise plan, read more, pray more, and the list goes on.
Years ago, I stopped making New Year’s resolutions because they just don’t work for me. But I do use this time of year to reevaluate my life. As I’ve been thinking and praying about 2023, I am making a fresh commitment to the Lord and seeking Him for wisdom and direction in every area of my life.
These last couple of years have been rough on all of us. We’ve faced things we never dreamed of. Many of us have suffered the loss of family members, friends, and congregants to Covid19, along with financial difficulties and more. We’ve all been living with trauma. So if you struggle with guilt for feeling like the wind’s been knocked out of you, you’re not alone my friend. Trauma brain is a real thing and I speak from experience.
If you’re suffering with trauma brain, I encourage you to find a good therapist. Ask the Lord to lead you to the right one that is trauma informed. You may feel there is no way you can afford a therapist. If so, check with your insurance to see if they cover therapy. If not, think about where you may be able to cut back in your budget for a little while so that you can get the help you need.
I trust with this new year, you will be able to move forward into all that God has called you to do, with His confidence. Don’t believe the lies the enemy whispers in your ear my friend. You are more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus!
I don’t know about you, but I feel like it’s time for a jump start in ministry. I am asking God to help me to see people through His eyes of love, to help me hear what they are really saying, and to be His hands and feet to the lost and hurting.
What are you asking God to do in and through you this year?
What is your life like behind closed doors? Our congregants only see what we want them to see for the most part. Your life may look perfect from the outside looking in, but you know the truth. You don’t have an angel that shows up and cleans your home for you. (But if by some chance you do, could you send her to my house next?) That handsome preacher husband of yours, yep, he gets sweaty, dirty, and stinky, and even gets grouchy at times. Your “angelic” kids get bad attitudes and even say things like, “Why do I have to go to church today? I don’t want to go.” or “Why do I have to be a pastor’s kid? I just wish I was like everybody else.”
What you and I both know is … our families are made up of ordinary people just like the Smiths and the Joneses. Some people seem to think just because we’re the “pastor’s family,” we are the exception to real life. If only that were true! Of course if it was, we wouldn’t really understand what our people are going through and we couldn’t minister to them on a deeper level.
Is it tough being a pastor’s family? Sometimes, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I know God has called me to this and the older I get, the more I realize that I just need to be me and allow my family to be a real family. Besides, our people are looking for authenticity.
I’d love to hear from you. What are your thoughts on this?
Silently Bleeding 